If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
