I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
