Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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