Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
