I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
