Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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