Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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