You're my little dorito
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
