Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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