Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
