September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
