I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
