Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
it hurts more in the daytime
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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