You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
