I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
