did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
