Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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