There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
