He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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