i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
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