A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
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