he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
