i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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