mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
