We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
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