i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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