I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
Randomize
