So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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