never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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