omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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