Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
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