You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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