My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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