Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Randomize
