This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Randomize
