don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
