$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
