i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
