I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
