Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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