I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
you will always have a special place in my vag
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
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