Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Did you pee in the oven last night??
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
