Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
My cat gives me a boner
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Randomize
