sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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