I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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