I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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