Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
