I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
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