I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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