cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
