I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.