Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
