i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
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