So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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