Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
